Harry Potter and the Preposterous Parody!
by otakurose
Summary: My parody that previously was under the alias: Harry Potter Story: Crash and Burn. A not so terrible tragedy occurs that exposes the humor and dysfunction at Hogwarts. Warning: This parody contains Hermione whooring it, an angsty Harry, and dead Mary Sues
1. Arrival and Rivals

_For all of you who might be confused since this does not seem like a parody, the first chapter is just a fake really, but it is necessary because it is incorporated in the next chapter._

_Chapter 2 is Where the REAL Parody begins!_

Anaxerete Bellona Astraea hopped off the Hogwarts Express looking around her nervously. The cold September chill whipped her long honey-colored hair around her chin. Her grey eyes peered intently through the fog, trying to make a distinction in the large castle shaped figure hidden behind the fog. She silently followed a group of first years twittering with excitement at the prospect of starting life at Hogwart's. At seventeen she was much older than those surrounding her, and she stood out, but Dumbledore had informed her earlier that she still needed to be sorted like everyone else.

As she entered the large banquet hall she took her place at the end of the line. Dumbledore said she was to be sorted last, after all the first years. After awhile they had reached Marilyn Zetes and only Anaxerete was left. She felt all eyes on her as she made her way up to where Professor McGonagall stood.

"And now for a transfer student from a prestigious wizardry school in Greece, a seventh year student Anaxerete", the professor smiled at Anaxerete over her glasses and made a motion for Anaxerete to sit.

The sorting hat rested on her head for a while, silent, and made Anaxerete wonder if the famed hat had perhaps stopped working. Then all of a sudden, it made it's voice heard.

"A hard one to sort. Hard indeed. Witty, yes, and kind too. But no, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are not for you." The hat frowned. "There is so much Slytherin and so much Gryffindor in you. Tis' a thin line you walk. Courageous and ambitious. You have much power, but what will you do with it?"

The room was silent and it seemed as if all of the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables were sitting forward, waiting for the sorting hat's final word.

"BETTER BE…. SLYTHERIN!"

Anaxerete walked over to a table of cheering Slytherins and sat next to a quite good looking boy with platinum blonde hair. Draco Malfoy looked Anaxerete over, admiring her slim figure and pretty Grecian looks.

"**I'm Malfoy." He said nodding an acknowledgement. **

"I'm Anaxerete."

"Why'd you transfer to this spectacular dump we call Hogwart's?" he said.

"**It's a long story, but the summary is my mum died and my dad wants nothing to do with me." **

"Sorry bout your mum", he said, shoveling food into his mouth.

Anaxerete shrugged, "She didn't like me much anyways."

Anaxerete saw Draco little over the course of the week and was spending much time with the only friend she had made at Hogwarts since she had arrived; Neville Longbottom. At first Neville had been weary of her, thinking her to be an evil, indignant Slytherin, but to his surprise, she had turned out to be quite friendly. They now sat in the grass out by the Quidditch pitch, sharing stories.

"That's awful about your parents." Anaxerete said chewing thoughtfully on her bottom lip.

"Yeah, well, you lost your mum too."

"Oh but she didn't like me." Anaxerete said to the complete surprise of Neville.

"How can a mother not like her own daughter?"

**Anaxerete tried her best to explain. **

"My mother was not known as… well, to put it simply, she was not a supporter of abstinence, so it came as no surprise when she got pregnant with me at 16. My mother was from a very respected wizarding family, and she was betrothed to a son from another powerful wizarding family. However, when I was born, her betrothed's family broke of the engagement; they couldn't have her staining their family line with her mark of disgrace. And so she blamed me for ruining her life, for keeping her from marrying into a wealthy family and gaining power."

"**But what about your father?", Neville asked. **

"She never told anyone who my father was. She took that secret to the grave."

Anaxerete was walking down a corridor with Neville when she bumped into a boy with messy black hair. She fell backwards and her books were sent flying in every direction.

"I'm so sorry." The boy said as he and Neville scrambled to pick up her books.

"That's quite alright." She said, getting up and dusting of her uniform. He handed her a book and his bright green eyes met her soft gray ones.

"I'm Harry, Harry Potter."

She smiled. "I know who you are."

"These are my friends, Ron and Hermione." He said, motioning to two people standing behind him whom Anaxerete had not noticed earlier.

"Anaxerete, nice to meet you", she said, extending her hand. Ron shook it but Hermione simply looked at her.

"You're a Slytherin, are you?"

"That's what it says on my robe", Anaxerete said pointing to her house patch.

Hermione wrinkled her nose at Anaxerete. "I've heard the professors talking about you; they say you're a powerful witch." Hermione leaned in close and whispered to Anxerete in a voice so low only she could hear.

"Lets make one thing clear, I am head girl, I am the smartest witch in this school and I won't let you take that away form me."

Harry, Ron, and Neville were eyeing this confrontation but didn't interfere. Anaxerete decided at that moment that Hermione was everything that Draco had warned her she was, an egocentric little prat. Anaxerete whispered back,

"I'd like to see you test your power out against me…. Mudblood."

Hermione pulled away, her face red with rage. "Nice to meet you all", Anaxerete said and then continued walking down the corridor with Neville.

**The next day in potions class Anaxerete kept noticing Harry was shifting uncomfortably in his chair and turning around to look at her every couple of minutes. Apparently Snape noticed too. **

**"Mr. Potter, since you can't seem to concentrate perhaps you would like to here my lecture again today, in detention." Harry grimaced and Draco sneered at the back of Harry's head. Snape went back to lecturing and Anaxerete took down notes, she had already learned all of this material in her old school but she still took notes because she knew sooner of later Neville would want to borrow them. Next to Anaxerete Neville was now taking a nap and Anaxerete was hoping that Snape wouldn't notice. Draco turned to tell Anaxerete something and noticed Neville sleeping. Draco started to open his mouth to notify Snape but Anaxerete stopped him.**

**"Don't Draco!" she whispered urgently, grabbing onto his arm.**

**"Why not? The squib deserves it." He said.**

**"Please Draco, just leave him be."**

**Draco narrowed his eyes. "Why do you hang out with Longbottom anyways? You're a Slytherin, you should stick to your own house."**

**"You can't tell me what to do!" she protested.**

**"Maybe I can make you." Draco said, smirking at Anaxerete behind a strand of hair.**

**"What do you mean?" Anaxerete asked. She was suspicious of the knowing look Draco had.**

"**Let's just say I know something about you that you yourself don't know. I could be useful blackmail." **

Anaxerete was about to reply when Snape's voice pierced through the air.

"Mr. Malfoy, Ms. Astraea, perhaps you would like to join Mr. Potter in detention this evening."

**Anaxerete blushed as she realized that Snape was standing by her desk and probably had been for awhile. Draco made a face at Anaxerete. Snape bent over Neville's sleeping figure and yelled in his ear. **

"MR.LONGBOTTOM." Neville awoke with a start and turned red as he realized the whole class was looking at him.

"**Longbottom. Detention." Snape said coldy and suddenly seemed frustrated with the class entirely. "Dismissed." **

That night in detention they sat in silence for the first 30 minutes. Neville was asleep again and Anaxerete was trying to burn a hole in the back of Draco's head with her glare. Harry was busy contemplating whether he should start a conversation with Anaxerete and if so, about what? Anaxerete couldn't stand the silence anymore; she got up from Neville's side and sat next to Draco.

"Couldn't resist me eh?" Draco said with a smirk.

"What do you know?" Anaxerete asked.

"A secret about you."

"I know that, but what is it you know and how do you know?" Draco decided to answer her last question first.

"**I'm a Malfoy, my connections are numerous, and that's how I got the dirt on you." Draco coolly laid a hand on Anaxerete's knee and leaned in closer to her. Out of the corner of her eye Anaxerete could see Harry Potter rise from his seat and make his way towards them. **

Malfoy leaned in even closer to Anaxerete's surprise and whispered in her ear.

"**I know who your father is."**


	2. Whooring and hitting the floor

Here is my disclaimer mo'fo's : I have no rights. J.K. Rowling owns me.  
Some characters have had their names changed. I have no affiliation with anyone. Nothing is copyrighted. What did you expect? A leather-bound copy? Come on now, no one here is an actual writer. They are just sad, sad people, who wish they were. And that includes me.

* * *

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry watched as Anaxerete's limp body hit the cold floor.  
Draco sighed. "There was no reason for that,Harry."

Harry twitched. "She kept looking at me funny today in Potions."

"Well bloody hell, maybe its because your a psychopathic candy-ass"  
Draco stooped next to Anaxerete's body and poked it with his wand.  
"Shes burning in hell by now."

At that moment Neville woke up and noticed Anaxerete's lifeless body on the floor.  
"For the love of Merlin Harry! You've gone and killed another person for looking at you funny, haven't you?"

Harry twitched again.

Neville grinned slightly. "Well, at least this time the person you killed was a Mary Sue and not some poor unsuspecting muggle rap artist like the last one."

Harry jumped up and screamed, "MOMMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!"

Draco scrunched up his nose, "Alright, lets go tell Dumbledore Harry killed another one."

On the way to Dumbledore's office they met Hermione who was whoring herself on the staircase.

"Two quarters each, 75 cents for two!" She yelled out.

"Have some self-respect woman!" Neville yelled.

Harry was fishing in his pocket for two quarters.

"What can I get for a nickel?" He asked.

"Nothing. But a nickel will give you an hour with Genital Measly."

"She raised her prices then?" Draco asked.

"Yup, and now she's stealing all the good customers by claiming she is disease-free.  
The only customers I have left are Flitwick, Moaning Myrtle, and Crookshanks"

* * *

Hermione decided to accompany the trio to Dumbledore's office as business was bad and word on the street was Dumbledore had asked for change for a dollar at Gringott's today.  
As they opened the door to DUmbledore's office a cloud of smoke billowed out.

They looked around but the room was empty and Dumbledore was no where in sight.

Neville called out tenatively "uh...Dumble...Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore popped out from under his desk, wearing a trucker hat and looking quite red-eyed and incompetent.

"YO."

"Uh... Yeah... We just came to tell you that Harry used the killing curse again." Draco stated.

Dumbledore fixed his eyes on Hermione.

"My, you've filled out nicely Harry."

"I'm Hermione."

"Oh right, the whoor."

"I've heard you got four shiny quarters today Albus, would you care for some of my services?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione", Dumbledore stood up straighter, as if he was about to say something of great importance,  
"Everytime you touch yourself a puppy dies."

Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "That would explain why Fluffy's litter is dead."

"About this dead girl, she was a Mary Sue." Neville explained.

"Well then her body is of little importance to anyone, I say feed her to Hagrid!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Sounds good to me"  
"Yup"  
"Its the best solution"  
'She looked at me funny."

Everyone seemed to agree. The Mary Sue's body was to be fed to Hagrid and never spoken of again.  
As should be the case with all Mary Sue's.

"Are we done here then?" Draco whined.

"DUUUUUUUUUDE!" "My hand is huge!" Dumbledore said as he fell off his chair.

At that moment Marcus Flint walked in wearing a nurse's uniform and a pink wig.

"Are you ready for your spongebath Alby?" he said.

Draco heaved on the floor.

"Oh sweet Merlin I just had the most horrible mental picture! Get it out! Get it out of my head!"

"I'm good at extracting things!" Hermione said cheerfully.

Dumbledore took of his robe. "I suggest you leave now children, before you see something that would scar you for life and leave you in need of clinical therapy from highly-trained professionals."

They took his advice and left before they were blinded by the sight.

TO BE CONTINUED... unless I accidentally look at Harry funny; In which case, I may be dead.


	3. The meeting of the counterparts

Disclaimer: I have no rights. J.K. Rowling owns me. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Chapter the Third: Meeting of the Counterparts

Now with more angst!

* * *

Harry sat in a dark corner brooding, and practicing his "angst" face. He had gotten quite good at it since it was the only expression he ever made.

The rest were standing in the hall nearby, discussing the recent packs of Mary Sue's making their way to Hogwarts.

Neville shook his head, "There's thousands, no, hundreds of thousand of them, and they all come armed with improbable plots and OOC's!"

Ron (who appears suddenly even though he was excluded from the last chapter) said "Have you seen their bad grammar? Say it with me people, commas are your friends."

Draco seemed the most outraged of them all, "Do you know how many people write slash? And all of them suggest that I am madly in love with Potter and that my father beats me."

Hermione interjected, "Yeah that's pretty stupid, we all know that Draco doesn't like Harry and that his father doesn't beat him………"

"Yeah!", Draco agreed.

"….He likes Oliver Wood and Dobby is the one who beats on him", Hermione finished.

"Yeah...oh wait…I mean…….NO!" Draco said, stamping his foot.

"We must rid Hogwarts of these Mary Sues", Neville decided.

"Indeed" agreed Ron, "Are you done practicing your angst face yet Harry?"

Harry gave one more supermodel pout and then jumped up. "I shall slay all Mary Sues, in the name of grammar!"

"YEA!" they all shouted.

"Wait, do you mean Kelsey Grammar?" asked Ron.

"Of course not, Kelsey Grammar shall be left out of this parody for fear of the author getting sued by an aging man who has hasn't been able to get any acting roles since Frasier went off the air."

"Oh", said Ron.

And they merrily made their way down the hall.

* * *

The walls of Hogwarts were now trembling with the pressure of hundreds of thousands of Mary Sues pressing into the castle; trying anyway they could to get in. 

This morning a group had created a human ladder. As a naïve 13 year old got to the top she let out a fan-girl squeal when she saw Harry awaiting her at the top.

"Like, OMG! I like, love you even though you're not real! Marry me Harry! I want to bare your children! Me love you long time!"

Harry twitched. "That's nice." He said. And then he killed her.

After that the Mary Sues gave up their human ladder idea, but they were still outside, persistently trying to find a way to get in.

The gang stood atop a balcony, listening to the bad English of the Mary Sues.

"Wow, I guess they really do speak like they write", said Draco.

"There's only one solution here; they say they won't leave until they get us, and so, we will give them us", said Neville.

"Are you crazy? They'd kill us before you could say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" stated Ron.

At the mention of such a big word Hermione's head exploded.

The remnants of her brain fluid trickled down to the hoard of screaming fan girls who tried to catch it on their tongues as if it were a Hermione flavored-snowflake.

"You forget amid all the whooring in the sixth book that we actually have powers", said Neville.

He took out his 13 inch wand (heh, I just had to add that in somewhere) and called out a spell, "Appearus Actorus!"

At that moment Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Tom Felton, Matthew Lewis, Alan Rickman, and the Phelps twins magically appear out of nowhere.

"What the deuce?" yelled out a terrified Rupert Grint.

Draco explained to them the situation, "The fan girls demand a blood sacrifice, but our blood is too precious to this parody, and so we must offer yours. It may seem unfair to all of you that you must die but think of it this way, you died for the greater good, riding us of Mary Sues. Also, now you can no longer be exploited by J.K. Rowling!"

And with that they threw Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Alan Rickman, and the Phelp twins over the edge of the balcony.

(The author sneaks in unnoticed and steals Matthew Lewis for herself, and Tom Felton for her friend, Mari.)

The group can't stand to watch the horrible death of the actors…. except for Harry,because hes asadistic bitch.

As the fan girls tear them to shreds, their pitiful cries can be heard.

"Please don't do this!" yelled Alan Rickman as he was groped by horny fan girls. "I'm old enough to be your father!" And then, he was gone.

"I didn't want to die a virgin!" yelled out Emma Watson as she was beaten to death by overzealous Ron lovers who could not comprehend that she was only an actress portraying a character.

The rest of the actors were snogged to death.

As the fan girls were momentarily distracted with murdering innocent actors, the group seized their opportunity and all extended their wands towards the throbbing mob.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The ground was now a sea of dead Mary Sues.

The group sent out Hagrid to "dispose" of the corpses (heh, see chapter two for Hagrid's method of "disposing").

At that moment Hermione's body came back to life.

"Hey, I thought you were dead."

"Nah, the author needs me to be the town whore in the next chapter."

'Makes sense."

"Get me my pudding biatch!" yelled Harry at Hermione.

"I'm not your biatch!"

"I said get me pudding!" said Harry as he whacked Hermione with his pimp stick.

And with that, Hermione scampered off to get pudding for Mr.Angst.

* * *

I love a heart-warming ending, don't you? 

TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 4-

Unless I get flames from angry Mary Sues, in which case, I'll still continue it in chapter 4.


	4. The Hunt is On!

Disclaimer: I have no rights. J.K. Rowling owns me. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I have no affiliation with anyone. Nothing is copyrighted. What did you expect? A leather-bound copy? Come on now, no one here is an actual writer. They are just sad, sad people, who wish they were. And that includes me.

Chapter the Fourth: The Hunt is On!

Now with more angst!

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Dumbledore sat reclining on his leather armchair, petting Marcus Flint who was purring contentedly in his lap. He was disturbed from his moment of ecstasy by a harried Draco and Ron.

"Hogwarts has been infiltrated!"

Ron let out a high-pitched screech to emphasize Draco's exclamation.

"What do you mean? Has Snape invited the Chippendale dancers for anther weekend of whipped cream and lube?" Dumbledore's eyes lit up at the thought.

"No, a Mary Sue has made her way into the castle!"

Again, Ron shrieked.

"Get Longbottom on this immediately!"

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Neville has gathered everyone together to update them on the current Mary Sue status. Harry, however, seemed quite perplexed over the situation.

"Why don't we just kill her?"

"She has the uncanny ability to change her eye and hair color at will!"

"She is truly the spawn of Satan."

Hermione pondered the situation, "So we can't be sure who is a real student and who is the Mary Sue, it could be anyone!"

Harry's eyes widened in realization, "It could even be me!"

Harry began brutally punching himself, attempting to extract from him the possible Mary Sue within his soul.

Hermione grabbed his hands, "I don't think it's you Harry!"

As Hermione calmed down Harry, Neville stood and spoke to the rest, "We shall reconvene in the hour, and be prepared……..TO KILL!"

Everyone met at the bottom of the staircase an hour later, each holding their wands and wearing war paint.

"Well, it seems we're ready", Draco stated.

"Ron looked around, "Where's Harry?"

At that moment Harry came flailing down the staircase, wearing leather pants and a blonde wig.

awkward silence

Harry stomped his foot, "I'm Huffy the Mary-Sue Slayer!"

"Oh."

'Right."

"Of Course."

"I knew that."

Dumbledore appeared next to Harry, dressed as usual, with the exception of staff in his hand in place of a wand.

"Who are you supposed to be?"

Dumbledore chuckled, "Isn't it obvious?"

silence

"I'm Gandalf, yo!"

Everyone ignored Gandalf's…err, Dumbledore's unnecessary statement and went their separate ways. According to Neville's orders, they were to Avada Kedavara the unholy Mary-Sue on site.

Hermione made her way down the great hall, eyeing everyone warily. How was she supposed to discern who was a normal student and who was the Mary-Sue? Hermione slumped against one of the table in the great hall in defeat.

As she did so, a young girl with strawberry-blonde tresses with black tips and red and blue streaks sidled up next to Hermione. The girl's eyes were hazel-green with a speck of blue in them and they seemed almost gray when she was sad.

"What a freak of nature", Hermione thought to herself as she looked up at the girl.

"Wait! You must be the Mary-Sue!" Hermione jumped to her feet, drawing her wand, but the Mary-Sue already had her wand to Hermione's face.

"Marysueis Fanficus."

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Hermione's screams could be heard throughout Hogwarts.

All of those who were hunting the Mary Sue stopped what they were doing and ran in the direction of the screams.

As the group approached Hermione she curled up in a ball, obviously not wanting the rest to see her.

Draco frowned slightly, "What's wrong?"

Hermione whimpered, "The Mary Sue is giving us…" she paused for a moment and then finished her sentence in a frantic screech, "Fanfic makeovers!"

Hermione stood up, revealing a new outfit consisting of converse sneakers and a low-cut shirt revealing too much cleavage. In her left hand was a rusty razor.

"You've got to help me", Hermione pleaded, "I have a huge urge to cut myself and cry over non-important things while listening to a Death Cab for Cutie c.d."

Ron's eyes widened. "Wow Hermione, you've really filled out in all the right places."

Fred and George exchanged a look.

"Never mind that", Neville exclaimed, his wand at the ready. "The Mary Sue has turned Hermione into an angsty, emo teen whoor."

Harry took out his shotgun.

"Let's go Mary Sue hunting!"

Neville shook his head. "We will lure her to us; there is one thing which no Mary Sue can resist."

"WHAT?" everyone exclaimed.

"Reviews."

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Marcus Flint stood in the middle of the great hall, whimpering in his pink wig. 'why do I have to be the bait?"

"Because you have snaggle-teeth and everyone in the fandom hates you." Dumbledore called out.

Marcus Flint sniffled a little, and then began to yell loudly, "Has anyone read this new fanfic? It's like so totally awesome! I looove how Hermione has filled out in all the right places and Draco wears leather pants! I can't wait for the next chapter! Update soon, dear author, update soon!"

A loud crack could be heard as the Mary Sue apparated in front of Marcus. "Do you really like my fic that much?" She asked, her eyes sparkling a brilliant blue-green-hazel-violet-white.

"Now!".

The next few moments were a flurry of spells being cast at all directions towards the Mary-Sue. When all was said and done, the Mary Sue had been Avada Kedavra'd a total of 39 times.

As the Mary Sue's body was been "disposed" by a hungry Hagrid, the rest of the gang sat in Dumbledore's office, sharing a rather large bowl of sherbet lemons.

"Well, yet another job well-done!" said Dumbledore, feeding sherbet lemons to a content Marcus Flint.

The rest nodded and ate their sweets in silence, enjoying a Mary Sue-free evening.

"Uh, Harry?..."

"Yeah, Neville?"

"……You can take off that wig now."

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I love a heart-warming ending, don't you?

TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 5-

Once I stop procrastinating, that is.


End file.
